For months, the pair had been fighting more and more. Jim had been distracted, their relationship was increasingly strained. It was at the climax of one of their arguments that the truth came tumbling out.
Around the world, many gay men are married to women.
Twice a month they gather for two hours to share stories. They laugh, they cry, they gossip. He patiently explains to them that the group is actually for gay men in heterosexual marriages. Steven Bloom - who runs a Sydney based group - has over men on his email list. Judging by the emails, phone calls and website hits he receives, he estimates that there are thousands more Australians in similar situations.
In the end, one way or another, almost all men who reach out to the group end Straight guy gets turned by gay bear coming out. In most cases they do this on their own terms, but sometimes they are outed when wives discover emails, internet histories, Grindr use or text conversations.
When he got married, Jim knew something was different.
He knew he had been attracted to men in adolescence, but it was something he tried not to think about. The path of marrying a high school sweetheart was well-worn among members of his group, especially by older men.
In both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who come to group meetings has been falling. With more awareness, younger men are often quicker to come to terms with their sexuality.
A claim to bisexuality is common among married men in the early stages of grappling with their sexuality. But both Jim and Steven say that men who end up identifying as bisexual in the long-term are in the minority — most husbands in their groups eventually come to realise they are predominantly attracted to men. How is it possible for them to fall in love with a woman but still be attracted to men?
I gay or am I bi, what am I? For men who have already married women, that self-acceptance is often tangled shame, betrayal, guilt and dread.