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As a homosexual Black male gay models of British-Caribbean decent, I have struggled my entire life to satisfy the expectations of the black community, while still staying true to my gay self.

Growing up I often questioned my sexuality; although I recognized and accepted my attraction to men, I knew from a young age, that there would come a time when my parents would discover I was gay, and that this would be a significant and extremely difficult moment in my life.

What I knew of gay culture, growing up, came from homosexual characters featured in British television sitcoms.

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I had nothing in common with Black male gay models gay men represented in mainstream media. I think that black men especially, have always felt the need to act manly, dominant and sometimes even, aggressive. Maybe this is down to a long history of mistreatment and repression; maybe we feel there is a need to assert our strength and authority in a world that has constantly tried to pit us as unequal.

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However, this mentality directly opposes the general stereotype of homosexuals, as people who embrace their femininity. As a black, gay man I suffered an identity crisis.

As a black, gay man...

I searched for a gay role model that looked and acted similar to myself, but had no luck finding one. I struggled to find relatable personas within the Caribbean culture too.

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This convoluted self-identity started to have its implications. This affected my ability to make meaningful friendships and find my niche within the gay community. The more I rejected my true self, the more I became an outsider.

I was living a lie, and people were becoming suspicious. Every year, the students in our class would change, and it was a new opportunity for me to meet other pupils.

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Eventually this would lead to people teasing me, but it never escalated further than that. I would never claim that I was bullied; I had a quite a big frame and I think people were intimated by my size.


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