The key to enlightenment. A necessary part of becoming a better person. One origin of the word forgiveness is in relation to debt. And this is how the personal growth movement talks about forgiveness in relationships too. Although it might sound like a cold Don t confuse forgiveness stupidity, our relationships are like bank accounts too. Behaviours that foster connection and goodwill within a particular relationship are deposits.
Behaviours that distance the connection, have a negative impact on someone, or draw on one side of the relationship are withdrawals. The more deposits we make, the more withdrawals we can make without going into the red. If we make too many withdrawals, we end up in relationship debt. Decisions, incidents, and situations that require forgiveness are withdrawals. This is where these two definitions of forgiveness: Unlikely, but this is the most common approach to forgiveness in relationships.
If this were the case, a real bank would enter a dialogue with the customer and ask them to repay the debt i. But would that bank lend the person money again? But spiritual gurus say: Your feelings and perceptions are merely a manifestation of how unenlightened you are.
This is nothing more than spiritual bypassingplain and simple.
The main issue I have with the conventional personal growth-related message about forgiveness is that it places the responsibility on the wronged person to do the forgiving, overlooking any responsibility on the part of the person who did the wronging.
Assuming the best, I understand the potential reasoning behind this: We could waste our emotional energy and our lives waiting for a resolution that will never come.
Forgiveness is earned, not owed. The simple answer is: There are two things that lend themselves to forgiveness: Making amends is more than an apology.
An apology is words while making amends is action. Not thinking a person or a situation should be any different than it is.
As a counsellor I knew once said: Having boundaries is healthy. Giving people third, fourth, fifth, and more chances with no acknowledgement, no amends, or active hurt and damage, is not. Rumination or grudge-holding is unhealthy. This is especially true if you find yourself feeling angry about day-to-day occurrences and situations.
Anger is often a cover for other more vulnerable emotions, like hurt and anxiety. There are very, few people I have chosen not to forgive in my life. These decisions have been deeply considered and very difficult.
Do you think forgiveness is necessary for healing? Share your thoughts below. I'm an advocate of rational personal development, self-expression and the freedom to be who we truly are. Very enlightening and your writing is very clear to understand, I love the way you structure your articles: I agree with your point of view.
I think there is an overload of forgiveness in society today and has lead to perpetrators of various acts criminal and personal to not only be able to, but to expect to walk away from anything wth a clean slate.
Sometimes anger is an energizing force that pushes you forward. I will go by my own reason and feelings. No matter how hard you try to force something your true self always has your own true feelings.
It is always better to follow your true self than lie to yourself. I think that closure is necessary for healing, not forgiveness. It is correct that true forgiveness leads to closure, which allows for healing. However, determining that an action is unforgivable also leads to closure, as does an assessment that the other person is not going to earn forgiveness for their forgivable actions.
Thank-you so much for this. Don t confuse forgiveness stupidity up in a religous family I was taught to forgive people, which I did as a child. I came out the worst for it to as people began to view me as simple and easy! I also find that Christians misinterpret forgiveness. Christ forgives those who repent, and He has the advantage of knowing whether that person has truly repented.
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Regardless, forgiveness need not be conflated with reconcilliation. You can forgive a still-toxic person from afar and wisely stay away. I believe its over rated. Forgiveness — is for myself not for anyone else.
Because even in this imperferct world, it takes effortmore to harm than to respect and appreciate. Is it however possible that forgiveness is getting confused with reconciliation and excusing ones actions?
Its all about you. Forgiveness is about accepting what happened to you and compassion for yourself. You may want to reject that whole time in your life. Or the place that it happened. But what needs to happen, as crazy as it sounds, is accepting the whole thing. WHY the heck would you want to do that? Because in compassion is a complete loving acceptance.